It's been four months since Matt's passing. You would think it would be easier, but for some reason it seems to have gotten harder. I have managed to stamp my feelings down so much that I don't feel like I have many left to share. I miss him soo much. I can't even put into words how I feel about it. The random texts he would send. The stupid conversations about nothing, the conversations about real life. I miss him. I keep asking him for a sign that he is fine, that he is where he should be. Then I realized what if he is giving it to me and I am just not noticing it? There are so many little things that could be signs from him that I am ignoring. I feel like I spend time trying not to think about him. I let my mind wander over memories but then block them almost as soon as they start to come up. I choose not to deal with my emotions, but rather leave them be. I miss him, dear god I miss him soo much. I feel like it is senseless as to why he isn't here. There should be a better reason, not just he hit a tree and flew out of the car. It's like I want some reason why he was out driving other then he was just going home. Most of all I wish I had acted on my instinct to call him, if anything to give my heart some peace. I don't understand why I didn't. If I take the time to identify my emotions I feel angry with myself for NOT paying attention to call him. I should have, even to leave a voicemail to tell him I loved him and wanted to see him soon.
My heart feels so empty some days. I feel so empty some days. I just want to let it all out. I don't know why I don't. Why I choose to keep it all in. I want it out, I want some peace. I want some of the emptiness to be gone from my soul. UGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! This sucks. it sucks and I hate it.
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